Decisions

I decided to cut my losses with the EAP. The case manager admitted they are only designed to handle crisis counseling, and have no psychologists on their panel. All the claims that they would be willing and prepared to refer me to care for a clinical condition, should I actually be found to need/have it, were well-intentioned lies. I think the fact that two of the people I talked with were surprised with my frustration and wanting to get me somewhere useful made me hang in and try. Otherwise, I probably would have reached this conclusion sooner. Or not, who knows.

Anyway, I looked through the panel for my regular insurance benefits and found a psychologist that isn't too far away, and lists the kinds of specialties I think will cover the experience I want in a therapist. I got the number in my phone and have a reminder to call tomorrow. It's just overwhelming enough that I don't feel too guilty putting it off one more day. Just getting around to trying this again was a lot of effort.

Second session and some ideas

I didn't have enough reason to start over again, so I went to my second session with the same person to explore my challenges. When I mentioned my reasons for wanting to consider ADD still and doubts of her dismissing it, she explained that she hadn't ruled it out, but wanted to leave addressing it until after we've tried more conventional ways to help with my work. The idea there is that if it works, then ADD isn't enough of a problem to attack directly, but if it fails, then we need to explore other approaches and causes.

Her technique idea was sound: make a very short list each morning of what to work on that absolutely has to be done that day, and one thing to work on in the evening(s) toward my personal goals (i.e., the house project). For the weekend, it can be one or two things for personal productivity, but not too many, being sure to leave time for my own well-being. I'll give that a try. I think the reason I'm still hesitant about her approach is that I'm about problem solving at a systems level, and finding out the cause and as many details as possible about the problem. Maybe after the third session, I'll look into seeing a psychologist instead of a social worker, with the idea that psychologists are more versed in the analytical approach I'm expecting.

She also talked about the difference in cost through my insurance of seeing in-network and out-of-network providers, and she's not on the provider network. Next visit, I hope to clear up the options I have as to seeing her or someone else after this with my insurance. My wife wisely caught on to the fact that I was stressed out about that, obsessing over being able to be diagnosed partly because I felt I needed that ASAP in order to be able to continue care, and not "dead end" before getting somewhere meaningful. I have another reason to crave a diagnosis too though: my own root-cause technical approach. I was trying to think of the part about stressing on the diagnosis for insurance reasons during the session and couldn't remember it when it was my turn to talk, and she said I could leave her a voicemail when I thought of it. I don't think it's necessary though, since we can address that at the next visit along with the billing details she was going to provide.

I told you so

And that's ADHD, when I know I'm more inclined toward ADD (non-hyperactive).

First step toward diagnosis

I had my first session, and in a classic case of Deja Vu, I talked about a lot and had my notion of being ADD dismissed. I was being open-minded and free associating at the time, so I let it slide, but hours later, I went from upbeat to angry for letting the progress drift. Again, with my problem focusing, get it? Grr. But it occurred to me this morning in the shower why saying someone who keeps close relationships can't be ADD is absurd. My good friend who has been diagnosed with ADD has been married for 12 years. He taught himself to code in assembly language too, so obviously people with ADD can concentrate on what they really want to sometimes. I need to bring these details up in my next session, among other things.

My wife and I argued, moderately uncomfortably, about what I should do, expect, and consider when it comes to my therapy. I think I decided not to start over just now, after going back and forth on it. I tried to tell her I didn't want to talk about it because I'm too confused and upset, and I wanted to think more about it first instead of vent, at her. I had to say that twice before she really would back off. That made me feel even worse.

After all that, the whole "now what" remains. A few things come to mind, at least to address next time, whether with the same counselor or not:

• ADD needs to still be a consideration, because multiple problems (not just follow-through) arise from my difficulty CONCENTRATING, and I know someone who is ADD and does not fit her one reason for dismissing it.
• Communication - I have issues with co-workers and my spouse around it, as well as parents. I come across hostile more than I want to, but I also have assertiveness issues.
• Procrastination - A prime concern, for work and personal reasons. Probably my central issue, because it involves productivity and credibility.
• Assertiveness/self-esteem - A legitimate issue. Maybe it has to do with why I didn't push back about having ADD. I doubt myself and my thoughts a lot.
• Exercize - does my lack of it coincide with my emotional discomfort?
• Family - I do value my family, but they are a source of discomfort in some ways as well. Besides the awkwardness with my brother, I regret belittling my dad while we share much of the same personality flaws.
• Need for my own time/activities - This didn't get mentioned and I'd like to find a balance for it, but it might be better addressed in couples therapy.
• Life-coaching and peer accountability - I'd like to have some context in which I more regularly talk with someone about my goals, brainstorm and experiment with ways to work on them, and share ideas. Maybe I can just start by setting aside time to do that stuff on my own.

Causes of Procrastination

I think one of my main "problems" is the tendency to overinflate setbacks (mountains out of molehills), and that can certainly lead to procrastination! Just the process to get a referral to a helpful psychologist seemed overwhelming, especially when trying to describe it all to my wife afterward. I'd say a lot of procrastination is based on distorted perception/perspective on the task to be done, including...

• perceived time (available, and duration of the task)
• perceived difficulty (past challenges/frustrations, size of task)
• perceived need (importance to self, others)
• perceived ability (your own confidence in performing it adequately)

I tend to be analytical, so that's something I should use to my advantage. That is, I not only need to break down tasks to be done into smaller bits (something that's been suggested for ADD sufferers), but also become more aware and record how I think and behave around delaying tasks.

Philosophizing

Just got back from the "real" honeymoon, offline for a whole week. I nearly finished Plato's Republic on the trip, and combined with the general break and relaxing with the missus, I re-evaluated a lot of life and priorities. No huge epiphany, just thinking more along the lines of a simplified life and working on my total health: mental, physical, and social. Yesterday I talked a bit with my mom (and dad weighed in too) about some of the concepts in The Republic, and how it related to what she challenged me to think about their former misbehaving neighbor dilemma. She and I agreed to exchange more literature on the subject, and hope to talk more in the future on matters of the mind. I hope to find others to do the same with, and try to include the missus on that too.

We touched on the topics of procrastination and ADD symptoms, which all 3 of us (myself and parents) have varying struggles with, so maybe we'll support each other in the effort to improve there. I was a bit saddened by my dad's discouragement with his challenges, most of which I share. Looks like we'll be making this a regular topic at their house, right up there with developing the new house and Volkswagen. But I'm going to start with trying to get some kind of clinical assessment through my EAP, if I can just find a provider that talks my language.

I made another list over the vacation, but even that needs revising. I was just trying to see what sort of efforts I have on the table, and need to break it down to what to tackle in the near future, from exercize and marriage skills to money and physical things.

Working for me

The backlog of projects for myself is getting oppressive, and it's not just "honey-do" household stuff or little fun projects. I have a lot of stuff that needs attention, for both my long-term happiness and to get started on my next career. Let's start with a list.

• container house: lot division, site prep
• notchback build
• container bike parking at PSU
• blimp (drawings)
• retirement financing
• condo wiring and Internet
• HOA board candidates

I also realized I have a lot of vacation time, and won't need to use any when we go on our next vacation. Now I think I should take a mini-sabbatical and spend 2 weeks or so, working on this stuff with purpose. January looks like a good time to work on it.

Turns out I get next Thursday off work. Maybe I can at least get the wiring going, and focus the car plan that day.

Procrastination, the first

I thought it might be nice to have a running tally of my attempts at fighting procrastination, insights gained, and so forth.

I can remember all the way back in grade school, getting behind on homework assignments and cranking stuff out at the last minute. Basically, I've been getting away with poor time management for a long time.

The first book I read about procrastination (which I still haven't finished) spent a lot of time trying to explain why they thought people procrastinated, focusing on perfectionism and fear of failure. For me, the only part that rang true was that it involved an unrealistic view of time and what can actually be accomplished before a given deadline. There's truth to that, but it still doesn't cover the tendency to avoid things even when a set time is chosen.

A few things that jump out at me personally that I've read so far:

* Lack of confidence in one's own abilities can trigger the impulse to delay
* The decision to delay vs. act is affected by multiple factors, including time left, perceived importance, ease of task, and interest in doing task
* It's more about general impulse control as opposed to rational decision making, much like addiction psychology

My wife's friend and co-worker, by what I've been told, has fought a lot of the same work and time failings as me, and recently lost her job over it. That gives me pause, much like seeing a fellow addict overdose.

I even put self-improvement in my marriage vows. My wife deserves the best husband I can be, and I can't afford to lose my job. This is serious business.